Schwonkhead
Active Member
This story begins around 2004-2005, the exact date I am unsure of. When we weren’t convoying through old farm trails and creek crossings or playing Halo (the original xbox) or Dungeons & Dragons, I was oftentimes hanging out with my dad and his friends playing darts, cards, or dice. One of the guys, we’ll call him “Coach” (because he was my football coach) always had a unique way of expressing things and they sometimes turned into catchphrases. One of the more PG ones became our football team’s tagline one year, and while yelling “Pow, Pow, Pow” seems quite childish and goofy we had fun with it.
One of Coach’s favorite ways to describe someone that he thought was an idiot was to call them a schwonkhead. We all assumed this was his Chicago suburb (where he grew up) way of saying schmuck. One night one of the guys asked Coach “what exactly is a schwonkhead?” and he answered by drawing a crude version of the picture you see in my avatar, but without the hat brim. Naturally this resulted rounds of laughter and carrying-on.
A few weeks later, and a few beers in, it was decided that the schwonkhead drawing should be put on a T-shirt. To make it a less obscene image the hat brim was added turning the little man into a cowboy of sorts, also added above the image was the word “SCHWONKHEAD”. One of the local screen printing shops was commissioned with making these shirts. There were around 25 or 30 in that first run, most of which were distributed to other friends around town. Then the demand hit.
After seeing these shirts at backyard barbeques and in the taverns people began asking how they could get one. Orders began pouring in and the color selection expanded from black or gray to include the full spectrum of the rainbow. There were short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, tanks, koozies, even some special order shorty shorts. Eventually almost everyone in town (pop. 1200) had at least one Shwonkhead Wear shirt or can hugger.
Some time around the middle of the sales boom it was decided to file for a trademark on the Schwonkhead name and image. A local attorney took care of the filings. The letter that was received back from the trademark office was equal parts disappointing and entertaining. The ruling came back that they would not approve the trademark because it contained vulgar language. In the reasoning they quoted a post on urbandictionary.com from “Steve” that reads:
While this was not the result anyone expected, seeing urban dictionary quoted in legal paperwork was quite a sight. The subjectively inaccurate description from the trademark filing reads:
Mark Drawing
3000 - Illustration: Drawing or design which also includes word(s)/ letter(s)/number(s) Typeset
Design Searches
020133, 261521 - Grotesque men formed by letters, numbers, punctuation or geometric shapes. Polygons that are completely or partially shaded.
With the trademark dreams thoroughly squashed out of existence the marketing push dwindled and orders fell off. One of the last things done by Schwokhead Wear was sponsoring a slow-pitch softball team, I believe we placed 2nd overall.
Though the Schwonkhead craze only lasted a few years and barely stretched 10 miles from it’s source, the spirit of it has remained active through my many handles across the internet whether it be in online forums, World of Warcraft, or Xbox Live. If you played Halo online in the late 00’s there is a good chance you had the honor of Schwonkhead standing over your corpse and crouching multiple times.
One of Coach’s favorite ways to describe someone that he thought was an idiot was to call them a schwonkhead. We all assumed this was his Chicago suburb (where he grew up) way of saying schmuck. One night one of the guys asked Coach “what exactly is a schwonkhead?” and he answered by drawing a crude version of the picture you see in my avatar, but without the hat brim. Naturally this resulted rounds of laughter and carrying-on.
A few weeks later, and a few beers in, it was decided that the schwonkhead drawing should be put on a T-shirt. To make it a less obscene image the hat brim was added turning the little man into a cowboy of sorts, also added above the image was the word “SCHWONKHEAD”. One of the local screen printing shops was commissioned with making these shirts. There were around 25 or 30 in that first run, most of which were distributed to other friends around town. Then the demand hit.
After seeing these shirts at backyard barbeques and in the taverns people began asking how they could get one. Orders began pouring in and the color selection expanded from black or gray to include the full spectrum of the rainbow. There were short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, tanks, koozies, even some special order shorty shorts. Eventually almost everyone in town (pop. 1200) had at least one Shwonkhead Wear shirt or can hugger.
Some time around the middle of the sales boom it was decided to file for a trademark on the Schwonkhead name and image. A local attorney took care of the filings. The letter that was received back from the trademark office was equal parts disappointing and entertaining. The ruling came back that they would not approve the trademark because it contained vulgar language. In the reasoning they quoted a post on urbandictionary.com from “Steve” that reads:
While this was not the result anyone expected, seeing urban dictionary quoted in legal paperwork was quite a sight. The subjectively inaccurate description from the trademark filing reads:
Mark Drawing
3000 - Illustration: Drawing or design which also includes word(s)/ letter(s)/number(s) Typeset
Design Searches
020133, 261521 - Grotesque men formed by letters, numbers, punctuation or geometric shapes. Polygons that are completely or partially shaded.
With the trademark dreams thoroughly squashed out of existence the marketing push dwindled and orders fell off. One of the last things done by Schwokhead Wear was sponsoring a slow-pitch softball team, I believe we placed 2nd overall.
Though the Schwonkhead craze only lasted a few years and barely stretched 10 miles from it’s source, the spirit of it has remained active through my many handles across the internet whether it be in online forums, World of Warcraft, or Xbox Live. If you played Halo online in the late 00’s there is a good chance you had the honor of Schwonkhead standing over your corpse and crouching multiple times.