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SH I'm reaching out for y'all

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I've seen it work when only one was committed and making the initial effort. Do what's right for you.
 
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cdg097 said:
Sorry to hear about your situation my man. It definitely sucks, and I can definitely relate. I’m a bit confused about something though, and maybe I overlooked it, but you have made comments a couple different times about having to gain her trust back. If you care to share, what is the reason behind this? From my perspective, it seems like she has spent more time gone during the marriage than she has actually there, with you, putting in the time and effort to make the marriage work. I can appreciate what you feel for her and wanting to make it work, but she has to be willing to meet you halfway. It can’t be just you making the effort. If thats how it will be during this period, I hate to say this, but that is unfair to you and that is how it will always be. In any event, I hope it works out for you, however its meant to. We’re here for you anytime you want to vent.


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It seems she has been absent here a lot. She says she does not stay here because I am
Always gone on the farm working so she goes to her parents where she feels wanted loved and appreciated. What she fails to see is while have worked a lot I have been in our bed every single night of our marriage. Herself has been times she hasn't stayed in our house weeks at a time because she is there.

So I referral to trust I Half to regain her trust that my word is good that I will not neglect her over the farm and "cherish" her as I ought to
 
Blinginpse said:
It seems she has been absent here a lot. She says she does not stay here because I am
Always gone on the farm working so she goes to her parents where she feels wanted loved and appreciated. What she fails to see is while have worked a lot I have been in our bed every single night of our marriage. Herself has been times she hasn't stayed in our house weeks at a time because she is there.

So I referral to trust I Half to regain her trust that my word is good that I will not neglect her over the farm and "cherish" her as I ought to
Click to expand...

Thanks for the clarification! That being said, am I safe to assume that with her being able to be gone for days/weeks at a time, that you are the sole breadwinner for the two of you? If so, she has to be understanding that you are going to have to work that much harder to support her and to provide her with the things she needs, and also with the things she wants. That means long hours. In your own words, she knew how you made your living long before she married you.

This is my opinion, and you can tell me to take it and shove it, but it sounds like you are placing all blame on yourself, and thats wrong from my point of view. You’re telling her that you will regain her trust again, when in fact you never broke her trust. You were hardworking and faithful. Talking to the preacher is a good thing, especially when you are upset and depressed. Don’t beat yourself up by eating all the blame though.


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cdg097 said:
Thanks for the clarification! That being said, am I safe to assume that with her being able to be gone for days/weeks at a time, that you are the sole breadwinner for the two of you? If so, she has to be understanding that you are going to have to work that much harder to support her and to provide her with the things she needs, and also with the things she wants. That means long hours. In your own words, she knew how you made your living long before she married you.

This is my opinion, and you can tell me to take it and shove it, but it sounds like you are placing all blame on yourself, and thats wrong from my point of view. You’re telling her that you will regain her trust again, when in fact you never broke her trust. You were hardworking and faithful. Talking to the preacher is a good thing, especially when you are upset and depressed. Don’t beat yourself up by eating all the blame though.


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Your assumption is correct I am placing a lot of blame on myself because I worked a lot, but I worked a lot because I never knew when she was coming home. Far as bread winner no we have had separate accounts and we kinda split it all up. We make probably about the same. She has had her share of things to cause where we are now and I've been willing to forgive and let them
Roll especially when I have caught her out meeting with another man. She has flew the coop because I didnt forth any effort during a certain spell Of our marriage because I'd done spent 6 months trying to hold us together while she hardly tried. I lacked trust in her and wanted her to prove herself. Guess after 30-40 days of her living what I did for 6-7 months she'd had enough.

Was i wrong and narrow minded for making her try alone. Absolutely but I lacked trust in her.
 
Marriage is a two way street my friend. It is a partnership. My wife and I have worked opposite shifts for our entire 12 years together. Are marriage and our relationship hasn’t always been perfect but we treat it as a 50/50 partnership. When one slacks the other steps in and vice versa. When one is unhappy the other one steps in to fix it. However the one thing that needs to happen to make any marriage or relationship successful is communication. She will need to communicate with you. I feel your pain but remember you may be putting alot of blame on yourself when it may not be all you. In my experience it falls on both. Keep you head up my friend better days shall come!!
 
When my wife and I were going through it, I saw all the things she was doing wrong, and told her about them. And she returned the favor. Usually it was through shouts, and sometimes proceeding harshly slammed phones, or doors...
When we began seeing a councilor at our church, we had a referee. That was an enormous help. we couldn't try to outshout each other, and the councilor was quick to set us each straight on some of our own flaws that we were looking past, to focus on the other's. She also gave us ways to work on our issues at home, that helped us work through a lot.
 
Sounds like your taking a lot of blame that maybe you shouldn’t. Your wife needs to feel loved and important. As far as working too much, it’s really about the quality of the time spent together and not the quantity. I deal with truck drivers everyday. Most that apply here are looking for a job where they will be home every night. What I’ve seen is if you can’t get along just being together on the weekend it usually is worse being together everyday. You can’t change the past. You have to consider it because it is what got you to where you are today. The good and the bad. Just don’t dwell on it. Do what you can now to be the best blinginpse you can be. That’s all you can do and though it may hurt and probably isn’t going to be easy it will work itself out.
 
I met with the preacher man and his wife last night. We talked in trust forgiveness and vulnerability. 3 things that apparently run hand in hand in the situation I've had going on. In the last couple days I've figured I out I've had an addiction most of my life. Not alcohol, drugs, gambling or things if the like.

My addiction has been work. I've spent my life looking for it living for it neglecting everything for work. Why work? I've also figured out that I felt work was the only way I felt I could feel justified or sense of approval from my daddy's eyes. I've let it consume and take over my life on this farm just needing that approval to go from a boy to a man I believe. When the choice came up to choose her or him and this farm the other week my body went with what I loved rather than with what I've felt hurt by even though it's been my life.

Also it is seemingly possible to feel like I've conquered and aspect life that has been a war for me. I was worried that I was feeling like I'd changed things for the wrong reasons or I was wrong. After talking with them both last night I asked them if it was normal to feel like I'd fixed so much in my life just by stepping from his shadows and becoming my own man by doing that at 33 years old. Both of their replies was "absolutely". So maybe my feelings aren't as wrong as I may have been thinking.

In the last few days I've also realized that I have not been the husband to her in ways that I needed to be. Not because I didn't want to be or wasn't trying I just didn't know. Such as just letting her make certain decisions and voicing my opinion I let her just do what made her happiest. I feel that maybe she needed a more stern feeling from me at times. Not that I didn't have it just that I felt by letting her chose certain things and how we did stuff would make her happiest. I've definitely learned a lot about family and expectations that I've never been around in my life. So I'm at a learning point there in my life that I'm just hoping for an opportunity to learn and just make our marriage work on levels that we likely never would have reached without this all happening.

I appreciate everything y'all have done my messaging and posting in here. I've come back and read messages from all of you and read through this thread when I have a tough time through the days.

I did tell her good morning I love and missed her this morning as I have every morning and hope she had a good day. In my surprise I got a reply back telling me hoped I'd have a good day as well and asked about me meeting with the preacher man. I know she loves me and misses me and getting a reply back from her tells me she cares. Preacher man and his wife told me they had fixed far more worse than us and this was easily fixable if we was both willing. They've given me hope, something I've not had in over 2 weeks. I'm preparing for the worst, but I'm hoping for the best.
 
I am praying Pm sent
I think you are in the right track

You can only change you and pray for her. God can change her
Forgiveness is necessary in all relationships. A good thing to talk about to your pastor
Nourish. I like that word you used right from Ephesians 5
Listen to your pastor. Sounds like a good man to seek advice from
Don’t give up hope


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Blinginpse said:
I met with the preacher man and his wife last night. We talked in trust forgiveness and vulnerability. 3 things that apparently run hand in hand in the situation I've had going on. In the last couple days I've figured I out I've had an addiction most of my life. Not alcohol, drugs, gambling or things if the like.

My addiction has been work. I've spent my life looking for it living for it neglecting everything for work. Why work? I've also figured out that I felt work was the only way I felt I could feel justified or sense of approval from my daddy's eyes. I've let it consume and take over my life on this farm just needing that approval to go from a boy to a man I believe. When the choice came up to choose her or him and this farm the other week my body went with what I loved rather than with what I've felt hurt by even though it's been my life.

Also it is seemingly possible to feel like I've conquered and aspect life that has been a war for me. I was worried that I was feeling like I'd changed things for the wrong reasons or I was wrong. After talking with them both last night I asked them if it was normal to feel like I'd fixed so much in my life just by stepping from his shadows and becoming my own man by doing that at 33 years old. Both of their replies was "absolutely". So maybe my feelings aren't as wrong as I may have been thinking.

In the last few days I've also realized that I have not been the husband to her in ways that I needed to be. Not because I didn't want to be or wasn't trying I just didn't know. Such as just letting her make certain decisions and voicing my opinion I let her just do what made her happiest. I feel that maybe she needed a more stern feeling from me at times. Not that I didn't have it just that I felt by letting her chose certain things and how we did stuff would make her happiest. I've definitely learned a lot about family and expectations that I've never been around in my life. So I'm at a learning point there in my life that I'm just hoping for an opportunity to learn and just make our marriage work on levels that we likely never would have reached without this all happening.

I appreciate everything y'all have done my messaging and posting in here. I've come back and read messages from all of you and read through this thread when I have a tough time through the days.

I did tell her good morning I love and missed her this morning as I have every morning and hope she had a good day. In my surprise I got a reply back telling me hoped I'd have a good day as well and asked about me meeting with the preacher man. I know she loves me and misses me and getting a reply back from her tells me she cares. Preacher man and his wife told me they had fixed far more worse than us and this was easily fixable if we was both willing. They've given me hope, something I've not had in over 2 weeks. I'm preparing for the worst, but I'm hoping for the best.
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Keep the faith. The sun is peeking through the clouds!
 
On another note that I forgot it's made an obvious turn around between my dad and I after me finally letting everything out 2 weeks ago today. Yesterday after I milked I come down the road and got on the tractor and went to the silo so we could cover it. Soon as I got off the tractor he started jabbering away and talked to me in general conversation most all morning up into the day while we worked.

I cannot recall a single time in my life that we have done that. I cannot recall the last time I ever walked into his home, a home I grew up
In and actually felt Welcome to set down and eat a bite of lunch with him and get a cup for a drink of water without feeling like I Half to ask for permission. This is all new to me but it's something I'm embracing. If this is all I get from him for the rest of my life in day to day then I'll take it and never resent anything from that Tuesday to years past. I feel for the first time in my life that we are on the same level and understanding. Something I'm halfing to learn day by day how to do because it's all new to me. The man has my respect, but in the last 2 weeks it's becoming a kind of respect I've never knew I had or felt.
 
That’s great. I had a rough relationship with my dad. We have a good relationship now. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting so it’s something that you will have to work at from now on. All real relationships have to be worked at. I’m glad you are having some positive light shining on your current situation. You couldn’t see that if you hadn’t kept your head up. That’s great. Still praying for you and your family and consider it a blessing for you and those that have been concerned for your happiness that things are looking better. Thanks for sharing.
 
I second marriage on the rock book ..it changed me and my marrage.. hang in there
 
If you can go on a hunt with the ironman outdoors group I believe they can help you with your situation. They are a group of sportsman that go on some weekend trips[low-cost hunting and fishing trips] with manhood discussions each evening.
 
If it hasn’t been recommended already and even if it has, “The 5 languages of love” is a great book that both of you should read before making any further decisions. My wife read it years back and I was too stubborn to do it. Just last month I listened to it via audiobook (I highly recommend audiobooks) and it has helped already. I should have took the time years ago. Thankful she is still by my side today.
Figuring out what is most important to you in life and prioritizing it will bring everything into perspective.
 
Swampfox said:
If it hasn’t been recommended already and even if it has, “The 5 languages of love” is a great book that both of you should read before making any further decisions. My wife read it years back and I was too stubborn to do it. Just last month I listened to it via audiobook (I highly recommend audiobooks) and it has helped already. I should have took the time years ago. Thankful she is still by my side today.
Figuring out what is most important to you in life and prioritizing it will bring everything into perspective.
Click to expand...

Was this the 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman? That is an excellent book, for sure!
 
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