Rules For Thee Not For Me (Outlaw Thread)

[Nutterbuster]

Define poop knife

Not a redditor?

Here's the OG poop-knife story, in its entirety, just so that you may suffer as I have suffered.


The poop knife

[Original post found here, but removed](https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/). Post text was as follows:

> My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "*** is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fudged up family with their fudged up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

> [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

 

[HuskerInIowa]

Not a redditor?

Here's the OG poop-knife story, in its entirety, just so that you may suffer as I have suffered.


The poop knife

[Original post found here, but removed](https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/). Post text was as follows:

> My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "*** is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fudged up family with their fudged up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

> [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

I’m amused and disgusted. As well as angry that you shared the entirety and it will never not be in my brain now. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

 

[Dsabhunt]

Not a redditor?

Here's the OG poop-knife story, in its entirety, just so that you may suffer as I have suffered.


The poop knife

[Original post found here, but removed](https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/). Post text was as follows:

> My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "*** is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fudged up family with their fudged up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

> [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

We are all now dumber for having read that.

But I thank you for sharing. Cause that's funny

 

[kyler1945]

“Son, why do you have the folding saw in your pocket? Don’t you know it’s illegal to trim branches on this parcel?”

“How do you cut your poops in half officer? I’d have to dig an 18” long x 6” wide trench every time I had to go. This way I can just kick up a hole with my boot. I thought everyone used a poop saw.”

…..”and I swear, the warden never even waved at me again for the next several years when I was huntjng that property.”

 

[HuumanCreed]

Remind me of Army Basic Training. We were in the field one day and some guy had a poop so big that it became a sensation. No jokes, there was a real line at the porta potty that it was in so people can go LOOK at it, it was hilarious because the line to look at the giant poop was longer then the line to USE a porta potty. I didn't personally see it, but everyone was amazed. There were a few moms who said it reminded them of giving birth.

Man....the thing that brings people together in the fields when you're bored, cold, and miss your family.

But the guy who gave birth to the giant poop was a little guy too, barely 5ft.

 

[sojourner]

Bingo.

I worked a gun counter for several years and have heard all kinds of silliness justifying open carry. In my experience, it all boils down to folks who think they're small trying to feel big or LARPing for people who don't know what LARP is but would ridicule it if they did.

It's like I told one guy who came in asking about a shower holster for his pistol in case somebody broke in while he was showering. First off, that's not gonna happen. Secondly, if you really think it is gonna happen, you'd be better off moving before it happened than prepping for it.

Probably should reside in the DIY section, but I saw this on the interwebs. Not my shower though. LOL

In PA we can open carry without a license to carry, with some exceptions. And with a license to carry, those few exceptions do not apply. There is nothing stating a requirement for concealment.

That said, I conceal. I don’t want or need the drama. On the other hand, I applaud those who responsibly open carry. That normalizes a gun in a holster on a hip. And that helps educate LEO of our rights. And rights are like muscles, don’t use them, you lose them. And finally, divide and conqueror is a real thing. But again, responsibly is the keyword for me.

 

[Weldabeast]

I loved in a wonderful neighborhood for a while and we open carry while mowing the grass and doing yard work. Never a dull moment at that old house.

 

[gcr0003]

Probably should reside in the DIY section, but I saw this on the interwebs. Not my shower though. LOL

In PA we can open carry without a license to carry, with some exceptions. And with a license to carry, those few exceptions do not apply. There is nothing stating a requirement for concealment.

That said, I conceal. I don’t want or need the drama. On the other hand, I applaud those who responsibly open carry. That normalizes a gun in a holster on a hip. And that helps educate LEO of our rights. And rights are like muscles, don’t use them, you lose them. And finally, divide and conqueror is a real thing. But again, responsibly is the keyword for me.

He’s got that sous vide glock 19 with the extendos. I like to marinade and cook my extendos separately. 125 deg for 2 hours should make a perfect medium rare. Reverse sear optional.

 

[Iron_llama]

I didn't personally see it, but everyone was amazed. There were a few moms who said it reminded them of giving birth.

Having been a junior enlisted... I call shenanigans, but don't blame you for not wanting to admit you stood in line to look at a yard o' turd.

 

[Iron_llama]

Probably should reside in the DIY section, but I saw this on the interwebs. Not my shower though. LOL

In PA we can open carry without a license to carry, with some exceptions. And with a license to carry, those few exceptions do not apply. There is nothing stating a requirement for concealment.

That said, I conceal. I don’t want or need the drama. On the other hand, I applaud those who responsibly open carry. That normalizes a gun in a holster on a hip. And that helps educate LEO of our rights. And rights are like muscles, don’t use them, you lose them. And finally, divide and conqueror is a real thing. But again, responsibly is the keyword for me.

When I was in AZ we had a similar provision for permitless open carry. Some part of the pistol had to be visible, even with outerwear or "cover garments". Responsible people wore an IWB with a black polo shirt; their black Glock or Ruger grips was almost indistinguishable from the fabric. I find it amusingly ironic that the open carry folks 20 years ago were more discreet than a bunch of CCW folks today... yeah, your gun is hidden, but you're wearing a Glock hat and Grunt Style t-shirt and your truck is covered with 2A and Raven Concealment and Magpul stickers; everyone knows they can boop you on the head and take away your fun toys.

 

[sojourner]

When I was in AZ we had a similar provision for permitless open carry. Some part of the pistol had to be visible, even with outerwear or "cover garments". Responsible people wore an IWB with a black polo shirt; their black Glock or Ruger grips was almost indistinguishable from the fabric. I find it amusingly ironic that the open carry folks 20 years ago were more discreet than a bunch of CCW folks today... yeah, your gun is hidden, but you're wearing a Glock hat and Grunt Style t-shirt and your truck is covered with 2A and Raven Concealment and Magpus stickers; everyone knows they can boop you on the head and take away your fun toys.

I’ve no distinguishing stickers on my truck and do not and will not wear logo clothes/hats. If a company wants me to market for them, they have to pay me more than a free hat/shirt.

 

[Iron_llama]

I’ve no distinguishing stickers on my truck and do not and will not wear logo clothes/hats. If a company wants me to market for them, they have to pay me more than a free hat/shirt.

Same. I'm at the point where I get more excited about brand apparel that nobody can recognize. Like an inside joke that only a select few understand. Maybe a bad example, but the ARFCOM bolt face logo is unmistakable to black rifle owners while unrecognizable to those not in the know.

And as much as I find open carry distasteful, and never engage in it in public.... it would be absolutely unacceptable for MN to remove my ability to do so. So I hope nobody takes my critiques as opposition.

 

[Weldabeast]

I had a job framing houses as a young buck and we were all bad drunks....like the water cooler was filled with natty light kinda bad....and we invented the chilli guard. Pretty much just a protective liner for undieroos so when u have the questionably wet fart u could let her fly with confidence....hehehe. not as cool as poo knife but necessity is the mother of all invention

 

[Weldabeast]

That was the gauge for the weekends....on Mondays u say "how was ur weekend there fellow coworker?" Oh man....I got my chilli guard in today....translates to, I partied hard

 

[Iron_llama]

I had a job framing houses as a young buck and we were all bad drunks....like the water cooler was filled with natty light kinda bad....and we invented the chilli guard. Pretty much just a protective liner for undieroos so when u have the questionably wet fart u could let her fly with confidence....hehehe. not as cool as poo knife but necessity is the mother of all invention

I'm afraid to ask... what is the chili guard made out of?

I spent a bit of time laboring for a general contractor. 'Round about Wednesday we'd get a hankering for White Castle and make a whitie run. Then spend Wednesday afternoon into Thursday - some weeks, Friday - in the porta-pot reminding ourselves why we don't eat more White Castle. All without a chili guard.

 

[Weldabeast]

I'm afraid to ask... what is the chili guard made out of?

I spent a bit of time laboring for a general contractor. 'Round about Wednesday we'd get a hankering for White Castle and make a whitie run. Then spend Wednesday afternoon into Thursday - some weeks, Friday - in the porta-pot reminding ourselves why we don't eat more White Castle. All without a chili guard.

Chilli guard construction is a closely guarded secret...unique to each individual.

Use ur imagination hahahaha

 

[BTaylor]

I had a job framing houses as a young buck and we were all bad drunks....like the water cooler was filled with natty light kinda bad....and we invented the chilli guard. Pretty much just a protective liner for undieroos so when u have the questionably wet fart u could let her fly with confidence....hehehe. not as cool as poo knife but necessity is the mother of all invention

Buddy I duck hunted with years ago had a sayin for those farts...better go back for a re-wipe, she's pumpin mud.

 

[Iron_llama]

Buddy I duck hunted with years ago had a sayin for those farts...better go back for a re-wipe, she's pumpin mud.

Before my daughter potty-trained I'd ask her, "did that fart have lumps?". Surprisingly, my wife didn't find it as amusing as mini-Llama and I did.

I'm really sorry for hijacking this thread. My bad.

 

[hokiehunter373]

Good God yesterday was the wrong day to subscribe to this thread

 

[Weldabeast]

This kinda knowledge could save ur marriage or save ur life 1 day