Why I'm extra ornery lately = Divorce

[Skunkworkx]

Sorry to hear this and don't even know you, but I will say that I haven't been down this road myself, but seen a few friends go through it.

ALWAYS be careful of your posts on the net !!!
ALWAYS be there for your kids and not just financially. Let them know they're loved !!! (spending time not $$$)
NEVER bad mouth about the Ex...even if she does about you...it will only hurt your children.
ALWAYS let your children know it's nothing they did and explain anything the question not talking down to them, but on an adult level.

They will understand that not everyone gets along, and explain that just like kids in school, not everyone can be friends.

Good luck, give them extra hugs when you're with them.

 

[Kurt]

I don't know the half of it man and I don't need to. If there is any chance of working things out and staying married I would. You said yourself, her way of not really wanting to get divorced. I really don't care if that is an unpopular opinion. I believe marriage is hard work, and worth it. Love is not simply an emotion but a choice. We show our love by choosing to put in the work, choosing to make the sacrifice, choosing to not quit, and always choosing to stay with it. And often we do those things when the other half isn't putting in the same %.

The marriage isn't over until all the paperwork is signed. A good friend of mine got all the way up to her signing the other half of the papers and had a change of heart. He didn't feel loved at the time, and he felt like he was the only one putting in any effort, but he made a commitment in marriage to his wife and he was going to honor it. All situations are different but I can tell you he had plenty of crap to deal with himself, and they are still working through it but they chose to work on it. They are doing a lot better since then.

TLDR; In a world where everyone is saying get a divorce, my worthless voice is saying don't.

You gave all that great advice and then ruined it by saying you have a "worthless voice". Everything you said is super valid, especially when kids are involved. I have one question for you, are you married, do you have kids, and if so for how long? I ask because my conviction to my vows brought my x and I to many months of counseling. I begged her not to file for divorce before we played out the counseling but she wasn't hearing what she wanted to hear. She filed for divorce and in an instant things became more adversarial. She was from NY and wanted to remove my kids to NY. I fought that and won. I don't regret that decision at all. My point is I didn't just give up, she gave up. It takes two. I agree with you in that you should do everything possible to save your marriage EXCEPT harm your kids. I don't know your experience but If you ever tried to live amicably with someone who doesn't want to be with you, who blames ALL the ills of the family on you, cannot or will not speak to you with a civil tongue, then your doing damage to your kids. I noticed your story used the word "they" a lot. At the very least you need a they.

 

[thedutchtouch]

I hear the stay together and save it angle and respect you for speaking up and voicing it. I used to think that sometimes too, and fought against the idea of getting divorced, for a long time I believed at all costs that staying together was better for the kids. In this case it isn't. Spent 5 years talking to 3 different therapists and did not want this outcome at any point throughout that process, but it is what it is. I can honestly say I feel like I tried everything I could. When things started happening more in front of the kids and some of the same old toxic patterns started reappearing once again, the writing was on the wall. I should have known better however it was only a matter of time then some things happened/were said to me that were deal breakers for me so the divorce exit strategy was engaged. Without going into more detail about what has happened, why, etc, suffice it to say that I view myself as a failure in multiple ways by making this decision and breaking my wedding vow, but it's not the easy button/what I want/something i do lightly. I do firmly know that it is the right decision for my kids, and that's why I am doing this instead of being selfish and believing I can continue fixing this (seemingly unfixable) relationship like I have in the past. The collateral damage would be too great and I can be a better example for them as a happy single dad. I am currently losing friends, a spouse, and money, but I will be gaining mental health and stability. I can make more money, and can sort the social life out as well at some point, the mental well-being and stability is what I need most/what will help me be the best dad I can be. Or if I turn into a hermit I'll just get more hobbies, this too shall pass. Rambling again. I appreciate the perspective and am not offended by it (nor am I offended by the pro-divorce jokes), all good we're all just strangers trying to find some validation in the void or something like that.

 

[MNFarmHunter]

I hear the stay together and save it angle and respect you for speaking up and voicing it. I used to think that sometimes too, and fought against the idea of getting divorced, for a long time I believed at all costs that staying together was better for the kids. Rc-.

From what I've seen, the "stay together for the kids" crowd cause more damage. Kids aren't stupid and they see the tension in the house and grow up with it into their adult life. Kinda like ripping the band-aid off, if there's no hope in saving the marriage, get it over with quickly and move on the best you can. The kids will be better for it assuming each side plays fair though from experience, the woman tends to poison the well.,
-

 

[Exhumis]

Sorry to hear about the difficult road you’re having to walk. Fortunately I feel like you picked the right group of folks to chat with.

 

[woodsdog2]

Praying for you still brother. Keep the faith. I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying it. Give it to him , pray about it all the time and constantly to give you wisdom and discernment through this whole tough trial you’re going through.

 

[BackSpasm]

I have a lot of respect for @gcr0003 for speaking up on this one. I know there are many factors at play here that we aren't aware of and it's no doubt complicated beyond belief. I also understand there are some circumstances where it is unavoidable. Regardless, our marriages are worth fighting against the odds for. Our kids are worth fighting to stay together for too in my opinion. My parent's divorce destroyed our family for years and permanently altered our relationships at a critical time in my own life and my siblings. I am sorry you have to go through it my friend. You are in my prayers.

 

[phatkaw]

I just caught this thread and read through it...

I've been single now for probably 11 years and I love it!



You've got your girls and us pulling for you!
Good luck!

 

[skydoc]

Good luck to you.

 

[woodsdog2]

I have a lot of respect for @gcr0003 for speaking up on this one. I know there are many factors at play here that we aren't aware of and it's no doubt complicated beyond belief. I also understand there are some circumstances where it is unavoidable. Regardless, our marriages are worth fighting against the odds for. Our kids are worth fighting to stay together for too in my opinion. My parent's divorce destroyed our family for years and permanently altered our relationships at a critical time in my own life and my siblings. I am sorry you have to go through it my friend. You are in my prayers.

Indeed. People don't realize when you get married, you make a covenent with God. I'm not talking above people at all. I'm a divorcee as well. I'm not judging anybody....... but God blessed you originally to be with that person....... it takes effort to stay together sometimes. My second wife and I (LOL) she's also a divorcee...... too (and a much kinder and better Christian than me by far) took a Christian based marriage seminar with a couple of other new couples. It was about marriage, kids, everything. They really pointed something out that is so true..... everyone quips, "its a 50/50 thing.".... relationships.... marraige relationships...... its actually not. Its a 100/100 thing and oftentimes, it can be a 200/0 thing or 0/200 thing. We all know and realize when we're taking more than giving or vise versa. Pray for wisdom with this. I pray for all of our relationships with this.

 

[BTaylor]

Indeed. People don't realize when you get married, you make a covenent with God. I'm not talking above people at all. I'm a divorcee as well. I'm not judging anybody....... but God blessed you originally to be with that person....... it takes effort to stay together sometimes. My second wife and I (LOL) she's also a divorcee...... too (and a much kinder and better Christian than me by far) took a Christian based marriage seminar with a couple of other new couples. It was about marriage, kids, everything. They really pointed something out that is so true..... everyone quips, "its a 50/50 thing.".... relationships.... marraige relationships...... its actually not. Its a 100/100 thing and oftentimes, it can be a 200/0 thing or 0/200 thing. We all know and realize when we're taking more than giving or vise versa. Pray for wisdom with this. I pray for all of our relationships with this.

My wife missed that meeting. She told me early on when I made a comment about some of our stuff, she said I needed to understand that what is hers is hers, what is mine is her and what is our is hers. As long as she demands that I keep the freezer full by hunting and fishing, I'm good with those rules.

 

[thedutchtouch]

Indeed. People don't realize when you get married, you make a covenent with God. I'm not talking above people at all. I'm a divorcee as well. I'm not judging anybody....... but God blessed you originally to be with that person....... it takes effort to stay together sometimes. My second wife and I (LOL) she's also a divorcee...... too (and a much kinder and better Christian than me by far) took a Christian based marriage seminar with a couple of other new couples. It was about marriage, kids, everything. They really pointed something out that is so true..... everyone quips, "its a 50/50 thing.".... relationships.... marraige relationships...... its actually not. Its a 100/100 thing and oftentimes, it can be a 200/0 thing or 0/200 thing. We all know and realize when we're taking more than giving or vise versa. Pray for wisdom with this. I pray for all of our relationships with this.

I agree with you to an extent, however ours was a secular union so I didn't really make a covenant with God. Used some very similar language to be treated as a team in the eyes of the government and pay taxes/own property/have rights together though. and while I have had a complicated history with god can see how your perspective makes sense and can certainly complicate(as well as clarify) decision-making when both partners take a christ-based approach they likely don't get into the situation I am in the first place, and then may make different decisions than I have as well, all pretty hard to say/conjecture so I'll leave it at that. I guess suffice it to say that I'm still not so sure about God, but if he does exist, I doubt he wants me in this relationship, as it's bringing me further away from him. It may be that the prayers for wisdom line up with the getting out of this relationship, she's a proud atheist and I've always been more of a weak agnostic that just went along with things instead of making waves (I suppose that's the lukewarm variety that gets spit out, so worse by some definitions than choosing sides), though that wasn't a direct factor in my decisions to split. It felt like more of a 100/0 relationship pretty much in all ways by the end, even though I am tempted to use irrational numbers to more accurately reflect my situation lol. All in all this is very complicated, I don't even really know how to reply fully other than to say that yes, religion and Christianity in general are on my mind a lot more now than they have been for decades, so I suppose that's a good thing/many would say are obvious signs of the shepherd tending to one of his lost sheep. thank you, it's obvious your concern for the mental, physical, and spiritual well being of a stranger is shining through, and I appreciate that. I just need time before I start trusting anyone fully, person or divine. If there is a god, I choose to believe they are understanding and patient because of/about my flaws.

An aside- Please don't take any capitalization or lack thereof of God as any offense meant, it's just smartphone thumb typing laziness.

 

[woodsdog2]

I agree with you to an extent, however ours was a secular union so I didn't really make a covenant with God. Used some very similar language to be treated as a team in the eyes of the government and pay taxes/own property/have rights together though. and while I have had a complicated history with god can see how your perspective makes sense and can certainly complicate(as well as clarify) decision-making when both partners take a christ-based approach they likely don't get into the situation I am in the first place, and then may make different decisions than I have as well, all pretty hard to say/conjecture so I'll leave it at that. I guess suffice it to say that I'm still not so sure about God, but if he does exist, I doubt he wants me in this relationship, as it's bringing me further away from him. It may be that the prayers for wisdom line up with the getting out of this relationship, she's a proud atheist and I've always been more of a weak agnostic that just went along with things instead of making waves (I suppose that's the lukewarm variety that gets spit out, so worse by some definitions than choosing sides), though that wasn't a direct factor in my decisions to split. It felt like more of a 100/0 relationship pretty much in all ways by the end, even though I am tempted to use irrational numbers to more accurately reflect my situation lol. All in all this is very complicated, I don't even really know how to reply fully other than to say that yes, religion and Christianity in general are on my mind a lot more now than they have been for decades, so I suppose that's a good thing/many would say are obvious signs of the shepherd tending to one of his lost sheep. thank you, it's obvious your concern for the mental, physical, and spiritual well being of a stranger is shining through, and I appreciate that. I just need time before I start trusting anyone fully, person or divine. If there is a god, I choose to believe they are understanding and patient because of/about my flaws.

An aside- Please don't take any capitalization or lack thereof of God as any offense meant, it's just smartphone thumb typing laziness.

Hey none taken brother and I completely understand. Believe me, believe me, believe me when I say I don't have it all figured out either. I don't. I am not trying to be anything more than a person that went through it and God helped me with it in so many ways. It is my testimony. I have to tell it, I told him I would tell it whenever i had the chance. Not to be above..... quite honestly..... to be alongside. I was there, at that point before too...... and he gave me comfort and blessings.

 

[DroptineKrazy]

My wife missed that meeting. She told me early on when I made a comment about some of our stuff, she said I needed to understand that what is hers is hers, what is mine is her and what is our is hers. As long as she demands that I keep the freezer full by hunting and fishing, I'm good with those rules.

Keep the freezer filled he says! Hah! Good one lol.

 

[BTaylor]

Keep the freezer filled he says! Hah! Good one lol.

It aint full now but I am still hunting. And if it isnt full by end of season, I guess I will have to go fishing. The key is to keep it full enough to not get traded in but not so full you dont have an excuse to not go get in a tree.

 

[hokiehunter373]

It aint full now but I am still hunting. And if it isnt full by end of season, I guess I will have to go fishing. The key is to keep it full enough to not get traded in but not so full you dont have an excuse to not go get in a tree.

@thedutchtouch after reading this I recommend you take all advice from @BTaylor moving forward. Dude has it figured out! lol

In all seriousness, sorry to hear what you're going through. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to reach out. I don't know that I'll be able to help, but I can try. Good luck, man!

 

[thedutchtouch]

I snuck out to a tree for 45 min after work today. No arrows released but still beats watching the sun go down from inside the house. Not sure if I'm educating the deer about my arrival too much so I've been bouncing around to random spots for these quick visits to the woods. I should be able to make one or two more of those and plan to be out all day Saturday, then it's time to switch back to fishing

 

[MNFarmHunter]

I snuck out to a tree for 45 min after work today. No arrows released but still beats watching the sun go down from inside the house. Not sure if I'm educating the deer about my arrival too much so I've been bouncing around to random spots for these quick visits to the woods. I should be able to make one or two more of those and plan to be out all day Saturday, then it's time to switch back to fishing

B.S. You didn't sneak out but you went out and enjoyed yourself and something that you love to do.

That's the key to this entire journey. You've lost something but don't let that loss blind you to the potential horizons of who you were and who you are.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[hokiehunter373]

I snuck out to a tree for 45 min after work today. No arrows released but still beats watching the sun go down from inside the house. Not sure if I'm educating the deer about my arrival too much so I've been bouncing around to random spots for these quick visits to the woods. I should be able to make one or two more of those and plan to be out all day Saturday, then it's time to switch back to fishing

I know you and I aren't too far away from each other. You fish private spots or public?

 

[thedutchtouch]

I know you and I aren't too far away from each other. You fish private spots or public?

All public for everything for me. I'd love to make a few friends with piers that I could throw a crab trap or two off of, but so far I'm priced out of water access. I used to fish and crab a lot more until I discovered bow hunting. Shorter trips are just bank fishing Local lakes/ponds for stocked trout and the occasional small bass, I've seen snakehead there but have yet to catch one of those things. Longer outings I take out my hobie outback (speaking of which it's in need of some off season maintenance that I've been neglecting the past 3 seasons or so) and drive down to mattawoman creek for freshwater or the Annapolis area for bay/brackish access, I attempt to fish for pretty much everything but have had the best luck with the "easy" fish like catfish and white perch. Haven't been crabbing in years but I keep telling myself this is the year I'm getting back into it. Perhaps this will actually be it, I have 30 topless traps and a trotline (all made myself) sitting in the shed doing nothing.

I want to try bow fishing at some point but all in time. I have a 12' v bottom Jon boat as well but don't really use it as I don't have a trailer and pretty much any time I'd use it so far I just use the kayak, but I might get a cheap trailer for it this summer, and see if the ethanol has completely killed the little 3.3 kicker I have tucked in the shed. It likely has.