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Why I'm extra ornery lately = Divorce

thedutchtouch said:
Sorry that I'm back here to whine again, I just wish that there was some way to get her to think about this all somewhat rationally and remember how my intentions have always about making this the best I can for the kids, or that I could figure out a way to swallow the pill of giving her even more than I already have to make this go away (remembering that it's for the kids is my answer here too, but it's still proving to be difficult).
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You're not whining. Don't apologize for reaching out to friends. Coming here or talking to a clergyman or whoever is better than bottling things up or trying to drink the sad away or bury feels with carbs.

All things are temporary. Pop on some headphones and listen to a 10-minute guided meditation. You might feel self-conscious doing so but if it helps you be a better dad, or more resilient in your extended hardship, so what? Nobody who would judge you has an informed opinion.
 
thedutchtouch said:
Sorry that I'm back here to whine again, I just wish that there was some way to get her to think about this all somewhat rationally and remember how my intentions have always about making this the best I can for the kids, or that I could figure out a way to swallow the pill of giving her even more than I already have to make this go away (remembering that it's for the kids is my answer here too, but it's still proving to be difficult). I am now kicking myself for not just going for lawyers up front, as my actual financial costs are looking more and more like they are going to be similar whether I just keep giving her more to get her to sign vs paying a lawyer to sue anyway. My family keeps telling me that staying in this house is stupid (and don't even know about this latest round of BS), but I'm pretty firm on how I believe that to be the best thing for my kids in the short term future, so I'll do quite a bit to keep it that way for them.
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Whether you are talking about an ex, a family member, a neighbor, a fellow church member, a co-worker, etc., spending energy to have someone see your point/perspective rationally is usually an exercise in futility if they didn't get it the first time. Always better to say it once and let everyone do what they are/were going to do anyway.

Also keep in mind until the finalized paper, and the house is addressed in that paper/agreement, is signed by the judge any money you put into the house is rolled into the value of the house and subject to be split in half with the ex at time of sale. (I personally let my ex think I would be staying in the house until long after she was gone so she would think she could come back and get half the sale, but at the end, once finalized, I just walked away. I do think that play weighed heavily on her decision to accept a much lower offer than her or my lawyer thought I should pay.)
 
I hear you on the house. Dishwasher broke (amid a myriad of other things) a few months ago and I've been hand washing everything thinking that the end was in sight/not wanting to sink more money into it until the dang thing is mine officially. But I might just bite the bullet and install a new cheap one, this hand washing stuff is getting old lol.
 
thedutchtouch said:
I hear you on the house. Dishwasher broke (amid a myriad of other things) a few months ago and I've been hand washing everything thinking that the end was in sight/not wanting to sink more money into it until the dang thing is mine officially. But I might just bite the bullet and install a new cheap one, this hand washing stuff is getting old lol.
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When our dishwasher dookied the bed a few years ago, we immediately found a replacement on Facebook Marketplace for around $60. We expected to replace it within 6 months. 2 years later, we still expect to replace it soon.
 
I’m not sure if this has been mentioned anywhere in the past six pages of posts, but if she and her law firm have access to this site or these posts I would suggest you be very careful of what you say and post here and how it could be used against you optically. Aka read aloud in court against you somehow.

Also, if you can go to a gym and crush steel and work out, that will help. There is nice scenery there also and possibly new friends.

As mentioned before about mutual friends, locations, or whatever. If they go with her, let them and don’t look back. Not worth the stress or potential negative repercussions and affidavits they could fill out about you and things you did or said. The less they know the better.
 
Hang in there! Times might be tough but for your kids, I hope you work through it. Best of luck! Stay strong!
 
Zero One Actual said:
I’m not sure if this has been mentioned anywhere in the past six pages of posts, but if she and her law firm have access to this site or these posts I would suggest you be very careful of what you say and post here and how it could be used against you optically. Aka read aloud in court against you somehow.

Also, if you can go to a gym and crush steel and work out, that will help. There is nice scenery there also and possibly new friends.

As mentioned before about mutual friends, locations, or whatever. If they go with her, let them and don’t look back. Not worth the stress or potential negative repercussions and affidavits they could fill out about you and things you did or said. The less they know the better.
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Very good advice, I think it's been said before but a good thing to keep in mind/that I've forgotten about. I should likely talk less about the details, I don't think I've said anything yet that would have negative repercussions but you are right and I'll be more careful. I've debated deleting the whole thread here and there, but more from regretting putting myself out there like this more than thinking there would be some legal ramifications. It's hard trying to walk the fine link of venting and wanting to give context of how I feel, without possibly overstepping and engaging in something that could be portrayed as slander or something that might hurt me or my "case" but I suppose it is what it is, and in reality the context I'm trying to add doesn't really matter. Some parts of life suck a lot harder than others, and this is one of them.
 
Thanks for asking, I'm doing ok, my coworkers and my parents tell me that I seem to be dealing with all this better/more positively/quickly than they expected, which I suppose is some positive reinforcement that the mental work I'm putting in to let go of what I was told in the past and working on being happy with myself/doing what I want to is paying off. I've also been doing pretty well at work and just facilitated a great workshop today so I'm riding the high from that success/recognition at the moment. On the flip side, admittedly I am currently in a multi-week lull of not doing as much physical activity as I had been and not being as healthy as I want to but I can change that (and need to so it doesn't bite me in the arse come September, as those mountains aren't getting any smaller). I had some major breakthroughs lately with getting separation paperwork finalized/almost fully signed and notarized so should be able to go to court to start making things legally official as well soon, which is starting to ease some of the stress/ I'm looking forward to not feeling somewhat stuck legally/financially. It'll still be at minimum another few months before everything is done, but making good progress. I'm spoiling myself with two trips to Alaska this year, going fishing in July in addition to the September hunt, so it's also nice to have that to count down to. The only real thing that's bothering me lately is just getting bored/lonely without as much adult interaction-like I've said before most of "our" friends went with her for one reason or another. I've moved past the feeling sorry for myself/angry at them for that shift stage to more of an "it is what it is, it's not worth more negative energy" stage but it's still a bit lonely with less people to do things with or just have a conversation with someone that's older than single digits. On the docket is: more exercise, getting back into my hobbies (starting with woodworking), unplugging to decrease the doom scrolling/ wasting evenings watching YouTube videos, and working on making new friends/strengthening friendships with some acquaintances/some of my kids friends parents. That last one, (kids friends parents connections) seems to be going well so far and I'm looking forward to doing the rest instead of getting down/angry at myself for not doing it all already.

It's my birthday on Monday, which is the first "special" day for me solo, though it's not really a milestone # just late 30s, so I'm not sure if that'll be weird or not. It doesn't feel too odd today with it looming, but I've been very busy with work lately. I'll have my kids with me and I think we're going to go microfishing in the local stream in the afternoon so that'll be good hopefully.

Well that was a bit of a ramble, but I suppose that captures the pendulum swing nature of how I'm doing and happiness/mental health in general, I'd say all in all I'm definitely on an upswing at the moment all things considered, so thanks again for asking, and for reading if ya made it through all that.
 
Keep hanging in there brother, things will continually get better as time and the seasons pass by. Glad to hear you are doing well and that things are starting to normalize for you.
 
Happy to hear your getting along alright! I don't think it's really a ramble when someone asks, is it? Sounds like you're on your way to staying in the good times swing of the pendulum!
 
Doesnt matter if we are at the mountain top or the bottom of the valley, we have to keep moving. The moving is easier when we remember joy is a choice. Regardless of the circumstance, we have control over how we view and process our situation. That's certainly not to say that choosing joy is easy but it is our choice. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of keeping that perspective. It's a great lesson and example for everyone, esp those in your immediate circle.
 
I was in a bad place not long ago and saw this shared online. It provided some much needed clarity. Your impact on others around you is greater than you know, especially if you have kids. Don't ever give up. Hopefully this brings peace of mind to whoever needs it today...

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BTaylor said:
Doesnt matter if we are at the mountain top or the bottom of the valley, we have to keep moving. The moving is easier when we remember joy is a choice. Regardless of the circumstance, we have control over how we view and process our situation. That's certainly not to say that choosing joy is easy but it is our choice. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of keeping that perspective. It's a great lesson and example for everyone, esp those in your immediate circle.
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Sometimes I’m oddly comforted / inspired by the message “happiness shouldn’t be your goal”… Jordan Peterson is usually pushing something like this. Feeling down? Do the work (work, exercise, kids, volunteering, whatever). Feeling great? Keep doing those things. Make as many good decisions as you can, take responsibility, and happiness is more likely to come along with that, but don’t even expect it.
 
Im a bit late on this but, i feel your pain brotha.
ive been with my wife for over 31 years and just in the last 5-6 years we are or have become almost together for convenience or almost like room mates.
i have addressed these issues with her and she just does not want to hear it.
I am so sorry for ehat you are going through but, it will get better friend and you just gotta think of your younglings and focus on them.
people rarely stay together these days and divorce or separation is pretty common.
people really do grow apart and change.
people develop different goals throughout life that changes feelings. Sadly the old til death to us part is very rarely an outcome.
I hope and pray one day me and my wife can find some common ground and improve our relationship
But, ive addressed it and the ball is in her court and I wont live or stay with someone just convenience.
good luck snd hope everything works out.
 
I finally was able to file everything a few weeks ago, got the hearing scheduled ... For right in the middle of my September trip. So I just filed a motion to postpone (so many hoops to jump through, have to give her a copy and drive the paper to the courthouse to file in person etc) so hopefully it gets changed, otherwise I'm researching lawyers to appear for me, fingers crossed still ...
 
thedutchtouch said:
I finally was able to file everything a few weeks ago, got the hearing scheduled ... For right in the middle of my September trip. So I just filed a motion to postpone (so many hoops to jump through, have to give her a copy and drive the paper to the courthouse to file in person etc) so hopefully it gets changed, otherwise I'm researching lawyers to appear for me, fingers crossed still ...
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Glad to see you’re getting the final stages of this thing man. Just want to say congratulations on handling this like a man, doing it with your kids best interest in mind, and going to a place where you can express yourself and feel heard. Believe it or not there’s probably a majority of people in this life that haven’t done those things. Be proud. Also, I want to say in the loneliness front, I felt the same way after my breakup.. especially at the tail end of all this Covid isolation I was as lonely as ever.. don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Ask people out for a beer, say hi to people, go to places where people are doing cool stuff, like the gym, church, gun range, yoga clasa, whatever. Truth is most of us are all looking for more friends, and you seem like a decent person, so I think it won’t be hard as long as you put yourself out there and don’t fear/take personal any rejection or awkwardness. :))
 
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