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Jokes and Memes - NO POLITICS

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father,
but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful. :rolleyes:

So then, you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. So, you are NOT the father. You are extremely stressed, but relieved. :)

On your way back home, you think about your three kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!! o_O
 
* If walking/cycling is good for your health, then the postman should be immortal.
* A whale swims all day, eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
* A rabbit runs and hops, yet it only lives for 15 years.
* A tortoise doesn't run, barely walks and does nothing...yet it lives for 450 years.
....and the doctor wants me to exercise. :rolleyes:
 
A 6th grade teacher on Friday asked her students to come in on Monday and give a oral report on a life changing evert. The teacher said it could be something that happened nationally, locally or at home.
On Monday she called on Tommy. Tommy went to the front of the class and drew a dot on the blackboard. The teacher asked Tommy, what is that. Tommy answered it is a period. The teacher said I know it is a period, but how is a period a life changing event. Tommy said Teacher I dont understand it either, I am only 11. But my older sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heat attack and the boy next door joined the Navy!
 
A man was walking on the beach. He found a bottle floating in the water. He opened the bottle and out popped a male genie. The genie said thank you for letting me out of this bottle. I am so happy to be out I am going to give you one wish, anything you want, its yours. The man gave it a lot of thought and said, genie I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I hate boats. Can you build me a bridge so I can drive my car to Hawaii? The genie gave it some thought and said yes I can. But it is 1000's of miles with huge concrete pilons going down to the great depths of the ocean floor. Even for me it would take a year or more to do, now I said I would get you anything you want but is there maybe something else I could get you?
The man thought about it and said genie I have never done well with women. I just dont understand women. My dating life has been a disaster. Heavy women want to be thin, thin women want to be heavier. Women with small beasts want larger ones, and women with big breasts want smaller ones. Blonds want to be brunetts, brunetts want to be redheads. Heck I dont even know what redheads want to be. Genie do you think you can make it so i can understand women?
The genie looked down at the sand, scratch his head and after a few minutes said to the man; do you want that bridge two or four lane.
 
Mildred picked up Rose Sunday afternoon for their weekly lunch date. While driving across town Rose noticed Mildred ran right thew a red light. Not sure if she was seeing things she said nothing. Shortly after Mildred runs another red light and almost hits a pedestrian. At this point Rose ask Mildred. "are you okay? You just ran 2 red light and almost hit someone!". Mildred respondes "oh crap, I'm driving?! "
 
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